Of heroes, tiles and tyres

The rotten floor boarding

 Have you noticed that heroes and super-heroes often have a trusty sidekick? Sherlock Holmes had Watson; the Range Rider had Dick West (the All American Boy); the Lone Ranger had Tonto; Roy Rogers had Trigger; Batman had Robin; Dangermouse had Penfold; and Superted had Spotty! Quite often the reason for these sidekicks was to act as a sounding board for ideas and theories and also to step in on the odd occasion when the hero was in too much trouble to get out by himself.

Unfortunately for me, Super-WWOOFer (so designated by my daughter), has not had the benefit of her sidekick, 'The Navigator', as her day job (as Jeni Oborn, mild-mannered secretary and PA), has kept her from my side. Even the local ex- hero, Super-Pooman (ex-hubby, Barry – so-called because he used to be a herdsman on a local farm) has turned into a grumpy old man with two replacement knees, and his faithful sidekick, Shitty-Mutt (liked to roll in badger poo!) has long since gone to doggy heaven. So, basically, I was on my own.

The task at hand? To go to my cottage and sort out the kitchen floor! When I went to look round it a few weeks ago to assess its condition, the first thing that I noticed (and so will anyone else) was that the floor in the kitchen was very uneven and the vinyl was torn. It was obvious that water had got under the vinyl and that the flooring board we had laid on top of the concrete had acted like a sponge and then swelled up.

I decided that the best way forward was to remove the rotten boarding and replace the vinyl with ceramic tiles. However, when Barry and I replaced the original ceramic tiles (they were a hideous mottled pink colour) we had laid the flooring boards wall-to-wall and then built in the kitchen units on top, which seemed like a good idea......at the time. Obviously, I couldn't take out the units so I would have to cut out as much of the damaged board as possible – but how?

At this point I went to my local builders' merchants, CRS (where I know the boss), and asked for advice. They suggested using a circular saw so off I went to the local hire shop and hired one for the next day as they didn't have one in stock.

That night I found I had a flat tyre so, bright and early, I went to the local tyre place to get it fixed. However, it wasn't the tyre that was the problem – the wheel rim had rusted through and the air was bubbling out through the metal work! They put on my space-saver spare wheel (what is the point of those?) and I spent an hour or so of precious floor-cutting time, trawling round the local scrap yards looking for a spare Peugeot wheel rim. Luckily I found one at my second scrapyard about ten miles away, bought it and took it back to have my tyre refitted. Towards lunchtime I finally got back on track and started removing the floor. It was a horrible job as the circular saw was quite a chunky one, vibrated a lot and spat out flakes of chipboard and sawdust everywhere. It also left a margin of about 1.5 inches (38mm) all round the units, so my initial idea of putting down a floor screed and laying the tiles on the top level with the original floor wouldn't work, as a margin of chipboard would be visible. I also discovered that Barry had screwed the boards down in certain places and the screws had rusted solid so, after prising the boards over the screws, I then had to hit them at the base with a hammer and chisel to break them off. Finally, I had as much of the old, damp mildewy boards removed as possible and carried them outside and then it was time to go back to the builders' merchants!

They suggested sealing the concrete with a bitumen coating and then relaying new chipboard flooring board on top, so that it was level with the old floor, and then tiling over the whole lot, as long as it didn't stop any doors opening. In that respect, my luck was in as, raising the floor by the depth of the tile, would not affect anything too much. I ordered the flooring boards but couldn't take them with me as they come in 8 foot (2400mm) by 2 foot (600mm) lengths, so later that afternoon they were delivered. The guy unloaded them for me and put them outside the cottage and then I encountered the next problem – getting them into my cottage as I thought it might rain. It's difficult to describe how awkward it was to manoeuvre the boards into the cottage as they had to be lifted vertically into the small entrance lobby, rotated 90 degrees and then lifted up a small step and slid into the utility room before being propped horizontally against the wall. The sheets themselves are solid, bulky and smooth on both surfaces, so they are not easy to get a grip on and I had six to get indoors. After three I was virtually exhausted and almost in tears – I so needed my trusty sidekick at that point, if only to shout words of encouragement - but I managed to get them all in and then drove back to Jeni's where she stepped into super-hero mode with a reviving cuppa and then cooked supper. I was so glad that I'd persevered with moving them as it poured with rain that night!

I didn't do any work at the cottage over the weekend as the bitumen coating had to dry out. Luckily I hadn't had to do the whole floor as, on most of it, we'd laid a damp proof membrane (why didn't we do the entire floor?). So I was able to attend the Wells Festival of Literature on Sunday to hear four speakers talking about different aspects of nature and the countryside under the banner of the Somerset Wildlife Trust. Jeni had also managed to get a ticket so we spent a couple of hours sitting in a large marquee in the grounds of the Bishop's Palace, before emerging and going to investigate the Wells Food Festival which was being held in the Market Square, along the Palace moat and in a nearby park. It is amazing the range of foods that are available from the local-ish area – all sorts of cheeses made from goat, sheep and cows milk, biltong, rare-breed bacon, ciders, artisan breads, cakes, chocolate, etc. My favourite Lovett pies were also there so we bought four to help Phil sell out so that he could look around the rest of the festival – we saw him wandering around later, so he must have sold out. We bumped into several people that we knew and altogether had a lovely day off.

All too soon Monday rolled round and with it the need to visit Wells Tyres again – this time because I thought my exhaust was blowing. It was, and I needed two or possibly three bits of the four-part system replaced – the catalytic converter end had only been replaced just over a year ago, so that was OK. Phew! It was booked in for Tuesday morning so I was able to use it to drive to Glastonbury to buy the tiles, before driving back to Draycott and fighting with the flooring boards again. Because the weather was decidedly damp I set up workshop in the utility room which is quite a restricted workspace – once I'd got a flooring board on to the Workmate there was barely room for me to squeeze past.

The first board I had to lay was virtually full length with a notch cut out of one end to fit into a doorway. I measured twice (measure twice, cut once!) and felt quite proud of myself when it only needed minor adjustment in situ. Before I laid board number 2 (again, full length with a notch cut out) I checked to see whether it was a tongue or a groove that I needed to match up with board number 1, and that was when I read the 1.5 inch high stencilled lettering on the boards that said 'This side up'. Of course, I'd laid board number 1 with the other side up – idiot! So I had to cut a new board and utilise the wrongly-cut board as board number 2 which was narrower. After that first mistake things went a bit more easily and most of the other boards were a lot shorter and easier to manipulate into place. By the end of the day I had all the flooring down and sealed with PVA and the good bit was that I had only used four of the six boards so could return the others for a refund. Bonus!

First tiles laid on top of new flooring board

On Tuesday morning I took my car in to have the exhaust done, only to find when I got there (a distance of 0.25 mile at most) that I had another flat tyre! I really couldn't believe this run of bad luck – my car rarely gives me any problems. The worst part was that I had to kick my heels in a rain-soaked Wells for an hour when I could have been doing the kitchen floor. From Wells I drove to Glastonbury and bought an electric tile cutter from Screwfix as I couldn't bear the thought of doing fiddly little cuts and angles with a manual one. Back to Draycott and my work day finally started at about 11.30! Assembling the tile cutter was a bit tricky as the photos in the handbook were a bit dark and I couldn't work out where one bit went at all, at first, but once it was up and running things went pretty smoothly. By the end of the day I had all the whole tiles laid and was ready to start cutting the edge ones, but my hands were aching pretty badly from mixing the tile adhesive manually in a bucket so I gave up and went 'home'.

It was with great trepidation that I approached my car in the morning and checked it all round, but it was fine so I got to the cottage in good time, only to decide to go and get some more tile adhesive from CRS. I also bought a mechanical mixer (like a giant whisk attachment) for my drill to save the wear and tear on my poor hands, and asked for someone to collect the spare flooring boards tomorrow, as it would be my last day on-site. The guys in there have been really patient and helpful and I've learned quite a bit!

Armed with all the kit I could possibly need I managed to cut and lay all the rest of the floor tiles by mid-afternoon and then painted one of the bedroom walls and fixed the curtain rail which had fallen down. Things were beginning to look better!

Thursday dawned (very early – Jeni and I were drinking cups of tea at 5.30am!) and my designated 'final day'. I should have been in Cornwall on Monday, but kept having to defer my arrival as the job became larger and larger. Luckily, Jo and James were very understanding and just said 'Come when you've finished, we're flexible'. I finished cleaning the cottage and doing last minute bits and pieces before I started on the grouting as I wouldn't be able to walk through the kitchen into the rest of the cottage once I'd done it.

The grouting took longer than I'd expected, particularly cleaning up the tiles carefully afterwards, as it said it's almost impossible to get off once it's dried, so I spent ages on my hands and knees with a damp sponge and a bucket of water – brought back 'happy' memories of my house-cleaning days! I was really pleased with the effect once I'd finished and the kitchen does look a lot better now. Was it all worth it? I really hope so, especially as I may well go back in a few weeks time (after Cornwall) to tile the small entrance lobby and the steps down into the kitchen using the two boxes of tiles I have left over!

Jeni reckons that I'm some sort of a super-hero but I think I'm just bloody pig-headed – I refuse to be defeated by jobs once I've started them, often to my own physical detriment!

The finished floor!